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lost_and_wandering_soul
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Name: Autumn
Birthday: 12/21/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: talking, drawing, anime, painting, cds, gothic things, punk things, rock music, computers.., aim, yahoo, friends... me.. laughings.. hanging out.. rpg's, feeling cared about, being loved..
Expertise: talking wait cant that be an experise?
Message: message me
AIM:  Autumn122189
MSN: allamerican_gurl@bellsouth.net
Yahoo:  fireangelfromurdreams
Member Since:
3/6/2005
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| HEY EVERYONE!!!!!
I miss yall lots todays the first day of spring break and I already miss yall!!! oh wells theres no work besides the house chores and I get the net alllllllllllllllll Day so I can't complain I'm doing lots better and as you can tell by the pics I've changed alot to those who aint seen me in a good bit. Hmmmm I wonder what yall are up to and this weekend I'm gunna be gone I'm going back to Jacksonville first time sense Christmas. Well I can't say I'm completely thrilled abotu it because my Grandmother isn't going to be there but I can't complain either. I mean ya I miss her dearly, but my Aunt Lisa and I had a long 2 hour talk and that really helped me so yeah I'm like hyper as all hell right now well, message me back yall or reply or what not if you call my house and the phones busy its cuz im on the net and I can't be on the net and phone together anymore b.c me and dad moved and of course mom lives with her bf now but yeah I love yall guys much!!!
<3
Aut!
P.s. I know your secret!!!!!!!!
XD | | |
| Well nothing much has been going on lately I'm bored as heck Spring break started saturday and i wish it was over because im gunna be bored allllllllllll freaking week, well I guess I'll be spending just abotu ever waking moment on the computer I got some new awsome pics up on my myspace, they totally kick @$$ well anyways just touching base.
love yall
~aut~ | | |
| Dear God Goddess whatever the fuck is out there
I cant stand you you are a cruel seflcentered son of a @##@ you dont have any feelings and take pleasure in watching me suffer dont you!?!?! You and takeing a chisil and clipping away parts of my soul and heart a little by a little you started way back in 8th grade and are still going strong are you you cant wait till you push me over the freaking edge can you!? your sitting there laughing like that mean kid witha magnifing glass chasing a poor little insect following it closely until finally the little insect has no place left to run and they give up and let themself be killed byt he manification of the rays of the son, me being that poor insect. If you are "God" as many people believe wtf happened to the all caring and loving God who supposeively never gives out more than one can handle?!?!!? if thats the "God" who really exists GUESS WHAT I FUCKING CANT HANDLE ANYMORE I CANT KEEP ON GOING LIKE THIS I break down crying about once every day where I collapse and cant move anything where i jsut lay there limp sobbing praying for someone to help me for someone to save me from this pain, every little bit of happiness i experience comes at a price that I can't bare to pay every little bit of it you know I think your some sick dcemented freak I thought you were supposed to be some huge caring person, WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE TO BE FORSAKEN LIKE THIS!?! I MUST OF BEEN ONE HELL OF A ROTTEN PERSON IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE that is if they exist because im fucking certain that I havne't done anything this god damn horriable!!!!!!!! I cant take this anymore dear god someone please I cant take the constant pain in my heart and in my soul of all these memories and dreams that i have had that i will never be able to accomplish, thsi would all be different if my nana was hear and god knows how close i was to her and that the one thing tht would break me quicker than anythin else in the world would be to take her from me and that monster took her from me when i needed her the god damn most
How can someoen be that fucking cruel to take away the one person who i knew woudl be there for me the one thing that kept me moving everyday He just ripped her from me and the fucking doctors they knew there were other medicinces that they coudl give her to save her life even i know of them and THEY NEVER FUCKING GAVE THEM TO HERR THE GOD DAMN FUCKING ASSHOLES!! *Crys* I need my name I can't take this separation without her I need her she is the only one in my family who truely accepted me for me... she knew move about me than some of my friends even.. Nana... I can't live without her... Sometimes I wish I could see her again and feel her hug and hear her laugh... if it ment me being dead...
Without my nana I feel like a souless being walking around. She was my life, most of my heart, my strength, shoulder, my will, pride, and my future... I cant be without her... Nana I love you miss you and need you..
I don't think I can live without her. | | |
| I've spent alot of time thinking deeply about everything where everything starts and where it all ends... I've been thinking about all the warning signs that myself and everything missed and how silly I was to do that. I should of seen them. They have been going on sense we first moved here, this maybe harsh but its the truth. Florence has ruined everything, not only did it introduce my dad to the wrong type of people it took us farther from my family members which in turn kept us from seeing them as often, It helped bring on the fact that my dad turned to an alcholic and everything. The first huge warning sign was when we moved here to florence and the turn in my dads personality and actions, the second one was when my mom and dad started arguing alot when they used to hardly argue. third one mom got a job. In all the years she hardly ever worked out of the house, but then she started hanging out with the girls at work and stuff she started acting different more moody bitchy and abusive physically to me. The next warning sign was how on our one vacation we ever took as a family they were arguing. all of those led up to when my dad lost his job and when my nana dee died.... All of these things I missed till now... I should of been puting them together all this time, maybe then this wouldn't of been so hard on me
updates on how everything with me is going on:
1) Dad found himself a place to live near fmu and gregs brothers, he can keep our baby meagan with him so i odnt have to worry about trying to talk my mom and bill into it
2) house is in forclosure have a little while to get everything out not sure how long
3) im sick with a cold but I think im getting past the worst part over the weekend so it wont be to bad at school,
Well anyways i gotta run love yall much! Autumn | | |
| I will never understand my life, Just when its finally turning around something comes up and bites me in the ass ok lets see here. I dont feel like going through the hole nine yards of whats been going on lately so I'll do a breif summary on this.
1. My last nana died dec. 1 so i was out for a week and a half
2. because i was out for a week and a half and my teacher was out for the week i was gone i got an i in french and now ive been told they think she quit so i dunno where she is or how to get my grades back up.
3. my mom has a boy firend my dads trying to kick her out were going into bankcrupcy ive about lost m voice because of my crying and screaming at them to stop. I feel like rolling over and barfing because of all of this
4. both of my parents are trying to pull me into this and stuff trying to make my choose what to do and when i make my choice the other one makes em feel guilty for choosing it. i can't cry anymore or i fear that the next time I'll never stop crying.
5. Im losing everyhting i hold dear to me anymore I dont know what to do anymore. When i go to bed I dont even feel like waking up anymore I cant control my anger anymore I've gotten so mad at my dad I've started to through things at him. like papers eye drop bottle hates my wrist ban whatever i cant that I know really wont hurt him...
6. My parents have filled bankrupcy or rather got the papers for it they are making me pay full price for lunch so Im just buying pizza instead of lunch becuase its about the same price.
7. When I wake up in the morning I pray that something will happen (nothing that will hurt my parents really) but i pray somethign will happen so i dont have to go home (so long as nothign happens to our stuff)
8. our house is now offically in forclosur We got a call today about it...
9. I dont want to get close to anyone anymore not really because I'm sick and tired of being lied to about everything I just want to go and cry. Thursday during homeroom I left mrs sears class and went and cried in the bathroom for thirtyminutes.
10. my parents have went around yelling about killing eachother my moms pulled a butchers knife on my dad for "protection" and I'm assuming my dad got a 12 ga. gun out today because when i woke up it was on the kitchen table and still is... my moms left an hour ago to go be with "boy friend"
11.I just want to know whos really my friend or not. I know some of you people act like you are and when I type this im refering to certain people specifically that i dont know if your my friend or not. I want to know so i dont waist my life thinking you are and trying to talk to you when you dont want jack shit to do with me anyways...
12. My dads acting like a prick and wants me to give him numbers to people I used to babysit because he thinks he has a fucking chance with him they are so out of his leauge its not even humourous. It woudl be me actually think in a serious world that I hav a chance with Orlando bloom.
Sorry about that but I havne't really talked to anyone about any of this and I'm just about to go crazy. If i come to school moody somedays and you know you haven't done anything to me please dont get mad at me if im slighlty bitchy to you. I dont mean to be sometimes i cant help it. | | |
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